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House of Representatives create "recurring impeachments" into law

Submitted by editor on Fri, 01/15/2021 - 02:30
Donald Trump gets impeached hundreds of time

Currently controlled by the Democratic Party, the House of Representatives has written into law a legal process that impeaches President Trump every week.

The process randomly selects from a list of 178 bad things Trump has done and said over the past four years and automatically votes Yes for him to be impeached for it.

Trump Pardons All Rich People Sent to Jail by Columbo in 1970s

Submitted by editor on Fri, 01/15/2021 - 02:23
Donald Trump pardons all Columbo's villains

With days left in Donald Trump's one-term administration, he issues a blanket pardon for all the villains detective lieutenant Columbo sent to jail in the 1970s. 

"They were unjustly sent to jail by a Democratic-leaning local detective who was working with fake news from the fake media" said the president Tuesday.

 

Netflix now charging for movies not rewound

Submitted by editor on Sun, 01/10/2021 - 20:59
Netflix charging for movies not rewound before returning

Netflix has begun charging users who return movies without rewinding them first. Each transgression will cost the Netflix member $0.99. 

The new rule will save future movie renters the bother of having to rewind the movie themselves before 

Costco begins selling Christmas trees for Christmas 2021

Submitted by editor on Wed, 10/28/2020 - 22:44
Costco Christmas trees on sale now

A week before Election Day 2020, Costco nationwide begins selling Christmas trees for the 2021 season.

"We like to give our customers as much choice as possible," says Costco CEO Leif McDonald tonight. "And planning for the future is what Americans like to do at the kitchen table."

Costco has been shipping to its stores the 2021 batch of Christmas trees. Customers who have already bought, installed and decorated their 2020 Christmas trees are returning to the many Costco stores today to grab their 2021 tree before they're gone.

Local company sells books "by the yard" for your Zoom background

Submitted by editor on Fri, 10/23/2020 - 17:46
Area man uses books background to improve his image

Never look like a dunce on Zoom again!

Local startup Selfix Inc. will sell you enough books to act as a background for your next Zoom meeting. Impress your friends; intimidate your enemies.

Have you ever been impressed by your workmates' Zoom backgrounds? If you've been feeling insecure about never having read a single book in your life, here's your chance to impress all those meeting participants in a single sweep. Instead of people seeing the shabby little place you live in, this solution will raise you to new levels.

Area man arrested for having beard; Cop was sure he was "thinking bad thoughts".

Submitted by editor on Wed, 10/21/2020 - 10:17

Local man Denny Garrison was arrested on Abbey St. downtown today for having what city police called a "bad boy beard" in public. Sargent Frank Stones of second precinct said he "knew the type", and was convinced some crime was about to be committed. The sargent decided to "nip the problem in the bud", as he put it, and arrest the would-be criminal "before any trouble started".

Skulls discovered in Malaysia prove the English travelled there 5,000 years ago

Submitted by editor on Tue, 10/20/2020 - 17:15

Archeologists in Kuala Lumpur have unearthed dozens of skulls believed to have been interred there between 5,000 and 6,000 years ago. "The teeth prove to us that the English were here at least five thousand years ago", claims Raihaan bin Anwar, a local expert in these matters.

Irishman sues grandmother. Says a watched kettle DOES boil. House burns to the ground.

Submitted by editor on Fri, 10/16/2020 - 22:04
A watched kettle never boils

Local Irishman Mick O'Toole is suing his immigrant grandmother who often claimed that "a watched kettle never boils".

Mick said he had tested his grandmother's claim by watching a kettle in his own home come to the boil and, some time later, burn his house to the ground. He said his grandmother, who had lived with them through Mick's entire childhood, had many such claims, none of which made much sense to him.

"A watched kettle sure does boil", O'Toole told the court. "As proof, I recorded the entire process, all the way to my house burning to the ground".

43 Years Married, Area Man Discovers Wife is Actually a Man

Submitted by editor on Fri, 10/16/2020 - 18:50

A local Lakewood man discovers his wife of 42 years is a man. Says he always "wondered why she could never make a good sandwich".

Richard Fendrick only found out during his wife's funeral that she was, in fact, a man, and not the "hot piece of ass" she appeared to be when they first married.

His wife, on the other hand, was one of the first in the state to avail of the sex change operations available in the 1960s, and had been taking hormones the whole time.

Florida Alligator Eats Ballot Box; Mailman Runs For His Life

Submitted by editor on Mon, 10/12/2020 - 15:55
alligator eats ballot box.

Naples, Florida: Local US Postal Service workers remain on alert after an alligator snatched a ballot box from a US Postal Service vehicle this morning. The alligator in question was photographed by local retiree Misti Leofric scurrying off with a ballot box, which the creature grabbed out of the back of a US Postal Service vehicle on its rounds of this popular suburb of Lee County.

The State Governor said the alligator was bred and trained by the Clintons and Barack Obama in a blatant attempt to "make the White House look bad". 

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